patience is a virtue

if i could put all my frustration and feelings into words i would. i am to the point where i want to pull out all my hair and scream and cry.
no. i just want to cry.
cry because i'm tired of sitting and waiting. waiting on God to tell me what to do next. i've been home for almost 4 weeks and i still have no idea what He wants me to do. i have this list of things i would love to do. but i'm so afraid of making a move and it be the wrong one. that i go and make plans and then at the very last possible minute He goes "oh, by the way, here's where i want you to go next". waiting on God can be so hard. then again, if it wasn't then the Bible would be completely different. no wandering the desert for 40 years.
i feel like a disappointment sometimes when others ask what i'm doing next and i don't have an answer. so many know exactly what i should do and wonder why i'm not doing it. school, work, travel, school.. i'm expected to do and yet it seems like the only one who hasn't told me what to do is Him. i have dreams, i have goals and things i would love to do. yet is what i'm to do next on the list? i made the mistake once in compromising what He wanted me to do because i was so focused on pleasing those around me and doing what they expected and wanted me to do that i had a harder journey than what i expected. if that makes sense. i know that He was there with me and working through me the whole time during that period, and He was pleased with whatever i chose. but still, i could have saved myself alot of trouble had i listened to Him.
i love school and i love learning. as much of a hassle as school can be i can honestly say that i do enjoy it. i do what to get a degree, and i hope that it will open so many more doors for me and foreign missions. but am i to go now? i'm the kind of person who if i start something i have to finish it. i feel like if i started school i would want to put my all into it and maybe squeeze in a mission trip or two in between the breaks. but that's me hoping and dreaming ;)
but in the middle of all this is the big road block and red flag that stops me from pushing through: how in the world will i finance this? it's a touchy subject and trust me, just the mention of it makes me cringe. i would love to get a job, but it would almost ultimately mean that i would have to put a hold on my foreign missions. is that what i'm to do next? i have been immensely blessed to have gone to 4 countries on 3 continents within the last 2 years. i can't even express how thankful i am to those to helped me get there and how thankful i am that He sent me there. i've learned more and seen more than any text book or teacher can show and teach me. i'm only 20 and yet it hit me today that i graduated from high school 2 years ago and just the adventure i've had since then. i don't know if i would recognize myself from my high school years to now. but the biggest blessing out of the whole thing is that i have come to have a deeper understanding of who God is and what He means to me. and that is worth more to me than anything i have ever experienced.

so the big question: what now? in a way i feel like i've listened to God this far that in a way maybe He's waiting for me to make the next move. and if so, i have NO idea what i would want to do next. if you could please just keep me in your prayers that i figure out what to do next and that i hear His voice. that i will keep my patience and have endurance as i wait it out. that i will trust that He has all things under control.

filling the void

this trip is different than the other trips that i've been on in that i came kind of not expecting anything, but at the same time expecting to do ministry and helping people. the first week here that's exactly what i did. after the team left i was told that we were going to take a few days to recover from all the preparation and work that was done in the last 2 weeks and i completely understood that and tried to go with it. my australian and indonesian trip were packed full with ministry and outreaches and so many things that having a moment of down time seemed next to impossible. and not that that's a bad thing; it was just what i was called to do at that time. this trip has definately passed my expectations in that i came here thinking "God, what can i do for You, what can i do to help the people" and after the team left it was as if God was like "ok stephanie, it's time for me and you to have one-on-one time".

it's a scary thought for me when God wants one-on-one time, in a time when i have nothing scheduled for days. not hours, days. what can i possibly talk to God about for days? it's kind of an intimate time if you know what i mean, and when it comes to personal things.. it's not something i'm comfortable talking or thinking about, and yet that's what God wants to do. i did write about one of the big me-and-God moments, but the internet shut off and therefore it didn't save. i promise to write about it again, but i've come to see that this trip has become less about me helping people and more about God taking me far out and away in order to talk to me and share things with me.

i brought a book along called the heavenly man and it's about a chinese christian and his persecution for Christ. last night as i was reading he was talking about how God had shown him that he was finding rest in the ministry of Christ and not in Christ himself and it was as if God was going "pay attention". i found that i'm finding rest in the work i do for Christ, helping and serving people, instead of finding rest in Him. i shouldn't be content in just doing His work but rather i should strive and push to be more, to learn more from the greatest Teacher. i fill my life with works for Him and instead i need to fill my life with Him, just Him. time that i get to talk to my Father. i want to be ever hungry and thirsty for Him and never be satisfied. in this time that i've had so far God has shown me so much and yet when i try to put it into words it doesn't seem enough. i find myself getting teary-eyed when i have worship time and when looking out the window at the splendor and beauty of these mountains that surround me. i came hoping to marvel at something and it seems like i've marveled at almost everything, being constantly reminded of the God that made all this made me. i really have been truly blessed to have this time with my Father..

medical team week 1

this week has gone by oh so fast and before i knew it i was waving goodbye to the medical team and the translators as left to go home. one week done, three to go :) this week was such a great experience for me in that i had the opportunity to be a part of this team and assist in whatever was needed. when i got here saturday night i was put to work putting spanish labels on medicines and sunday we sorted through hundreds of meds and slpit them up between 4 days. monday was the farthest away with it being 30 miles away up the mountain and it taking us 2 hours to get there. the views and mountains were worth every minute, and we were so high up in the mountains we were in the clouds!on the way up though we kind of found out mid-way through that the cooler with all our lunch in it was missing the top and the food. sad day :( we went back to try to find it but no such luck. hopefully we blessed someone with the food :) we were given some bananas and people started finding snacks here and there in their bags to we didn't go hungry. we saw around 300 people that day. tuesday we drove 45 minutes up into the mountains and here we saw around 200+ people. at this village we were able to play with the kids and they loved playing with the soccer ball and jump ropes. we had a little girl referred to la esperanza to get a skin biopsy, someone else had an enlarged thyroid so they were referred, and a young boy was referred for seizures. sad thing is they probly won't go.

wednesday was a "free day" even though it was still full packed. in the morning we went to the bank and to some shops for the team, had lunch at a friend of the teams, and that afternoon i went sightseeing with some people. had a run-in with a drunk, but it wouldn't be a mission trip without it. no worries, i had protection. thursday we went to a small village about 20 minutes away and saw close to 400 people. we had to turn people away by lunch time because we already had way too many people. this was our busiest day this week. i was in the pharmacy most of the time and this village about wiped us out clean. all the kids tylenol, adult vitamins, adult cough, and adult antibiotics were gone that day. that night we had a special dinner set up by ms. lavearn and the translators. it was an authentic hondurian dinner and i have to saw it was really good! after we had hondurian dancers come and sance some traditional dances. boys in jeans, button up shirts, and cowboy hats and girls in long, bright, colorful dresses. it was alot of fun seeing as how they pulled us in to dance as well :)

yesterday was the last day and this town was about an hour away and it's the community that ms. lavearn (my host) has adopted in a sense. we saw around 250 people. as soon as we got off the bus there were kids who just gathered around you and were giving you hugs and smiles. it was so cute! then they all lined up and carried all the boxes and bags for the pharmacy. no other village had done that yet so it was a sight to see. i stopped by at the dentist and saw one guy have 2 back teeth removed, and due to the condition of the teeth the dentist had to use a hammer and chisel as well. we had to take the kids out for that, but the amazing part about it though was that afterwards he thanked everyone sincerely. that was one thing that never ceased to amaze me: at home we squirm and jerk when we get out teeth pulled or cleaned; here, they didn't even make a move. they just laid there and took it all in. one woman had 13 teeth removed and she was the same: thankful.

all in all we had 2 doctors, 1 RN, and a surgical dentist who all saw patients and i know after each day they were completely worn out, especially after the day we saw close to 400 people. we all shared stories and experiences of the week last night and during and after the tears were flowing as we started to say our goodbyes. i'm so very thankful to have met each and every one of these people and i definately hope to do this again!

honduras part 1

after a 3 hour flight and a 4 hour bus ride up and down mountains, i am finally in la esperanza, honduras. i woke up at 3:30am-ish and prepared to leave. we got to tallahassee at 5 and after saying good-bye to my parents i flew to atlanta. i ran to catch my next flight and as i was sitting there waiting for my plane i could make out at least 3 mission teams who were on the same flight and i wondered which one i was with. i was to meet up with a medical team and since i didn't have a phone i couldn't call them when i got to atlanta. to see how well i prepared for the trip, when i got to the airport my mom asked me what the address was to where i was going. i forgot to get it. and i didn't have a number for my contact either.... probly not the best of planning. well, i flew 3 hours from atlanta to honduras and the flight was so nice! mainly because we flew along the cancun and belize coast which looked like paradise. i got excited for a moment thinking that this was how honduras would be but i was wrong. cloudy sky made it all look somewhat dreary since it had rained, but the small homes and lush palm trees made it look somewhat better.

i got off the plane, found my bags, and went out into the craziness of people waiting for their family and friends who had just flown in. that's when panic set in for me. i had no ideaz what my team looked like, i had no way of contacting them, and better yet, they had no idea what i looked like. so for about 5-10 minutes i walked around trying to not cry and panic and praying that someone would hold up a sign with my name on it. being in a country where they don't even speak your language and not knowing where you should go; it's a scary feeling. anyway, as i was walking i was praying asking God for some sign to where i should go. i notice this woman in a group next to me ask a girl to pull out a paper so she can write a name on it and in my mind i was like "God, please PLEASE let that be my name that's on that paper". and what do you know, the woman holds up the sign and it says stephanie on it. oh my goodness, i about died of happiness!!! i was like " are you going to la esperanza?" and she was like "are you stephanie?" and when i said yes we both freaked out, but in a good way :)

we got on a bus that looked like trusty rusty from australia, only much nicer. as we drove it was rain, then sunshine, then rain again. the view was absolutely wonderful. mountains everywhere, lush with greenery, and most time you couldn't even see the top since fog and clouds surrounded them. it was like a scene from the movie mighty joe young. it reminded me so much of indonesia with the banana trees and the fields of crops on sides of mountains. fruit stands crowd the side of the road and the driving... lets just say it's better than indonesia but i would still never drive on the roads here. semis passing semis on a narrow mountain road with you in a bus speeding towards them. it's great. the last 2 hours were hard with me praying the whole time that i wouldn't be sick. zig-zagging around teh mountains while at the same time swerving to avoid big potholes in the road; i would have slept in a shack if that meant that i could get off the bus.

i'm learning all the cultural things here in honduras. the big one is that toilets do NOT take toilet paper. you have to throw it away in the trashcan next to the toilet. the water is hot for like 3 minutes and since we're in the mountains it's pretty cool. you can't drink the water. last night after dinner we had a short meeting. next week we're heading out to villages up in the mountains to bring medicine and doctor the people as well. last week alone they saw 1600 people with 2 doctors, one PA, and another doctor. one interesting thing: dogs are everywhere here. at home we have compassion on dogs and try to pet them and feed them since most times you can count the ribs on them. but we were told to not feed the dogs because while you're feeding this dog there could be a child a few feet away who hasn't eaten in days. so how does that make us look. dogs here are seen as dogs, animals, nothing in their eyes and as horrible as that may be, we can't help the dogs.

this morning we labeled and sorted through hundreds of medicines that we're taking to the villages. all the labels are in spanish. many people can't read so when they come to the clinic we have to draw pictures on the bottles of when to take the medicine and how much. like, if they have to take it twice a day we circle the picture of a sun and the picture of a moon; then we draw a picture of a spoon and how much is needed.

i'll try to keep you all updated as much as possible! special thanks to my awsome office at home for giving me toothpaste samples, butt paste, and soap- my contact was so excited about them, especially the toothpaste! thanks also to emilee- ms. lavearn about died when i pulled out the home magazines for her :) and of course, BIG THANKS to my supporters who got me here and who allowed me to get the supplies i needed :)

trip soundtrack

i've added a playlist of songs that i've kind of dedicated to this trip :) i'll add some more later on, but for now enjoy the tunes while reading the updates!

honduras

hi! it's been so long since i last wrote! today i'm writing to tell you that i'm off on another trip and this time i'm going to..... HONDURAS! so crazy! i never imagined that i would go to central america and yet here i am again, going to some random place God has sent me to. i got the "call" to go on december 16th and it's been a long road getting to where i am now. long story short: i felt like God was asking me to wait to go back to school and december 15 was the last day for me to pay for classes. on the 16th i had this wierd dream where i was headed to honduras with a team and when i woke it was one of those dreams that felt so real. i thought about it for 2 weeks and didn't tell anyone. finally when i did, i told a friend of mine, who's a doctor, and she called a friend of her's who is also a doctor who goes to honduras on medical trips as well. well, he was so excited about it he called his contact who just happened to be in town at the time. the next week i was able to meet with her and we spoke about honduras and the dream i had. does this whole thing make sense?

either way, that was in january and since then i've been praying about when i should go and how i tell my boss at work that i'm leaving. the whole thing with me talking to my boss was stressing me out and i was really trying to be at peace with it. right before i went in to talk with her i read isaiah were God said that i shouldn't fear what people fear and be anxious in what make people anxious but rather to fear Him and be anxious in Him. it was still hard, going in and having to quit my job, but i'm trusting that He will provide when i get back.

so, tomorrow morning i leave and i haven't packed yet (no surprise there). i'm considering pulling an all-nighter but we'll see. i'm taking one bag full of stuff for kids and my contact and the other is for myself. i was so proud of myself for getting everything i needed. last minute i remembered i forgot one important thing: toilet paper. yeah, that would have made my trip pretty unforgetable, and not in a good way ;) so after getting that i'm now about to pack and i'm praying everything will fit. i'll update you as soon as i can :) wish me luck!!

australia and southeast asia '09-'10