jonah

so week 2 is far under way, and what a week it's been so far. from the beginning it was intense since i had to know by wednesday where God was calling me as far as outreach goes. for 5 days i prayed and prayed and asked God where He wanted me. my choices where malaysia, indonesia, solomon islands, and vanuatu. we were all told from the start that we are not allowed to discuss where we were considering going just so we wouldn't be persuaded to go to a destination because that's where a friend is going. UGH!!!!!!!!! it was extremely frustrating talking to God and trying to figure out what He wanted. the night before i had to make my decision i slept next to none because i was tossing and turning trying to figure out where i had to go. i had already decided that it was either going to be malaysia or indonesia.

wednesday morning rolled around and i still hadn't gotten anything. i finally just went into a room by myself and was crying and was like "God, where the heck do you want me?????????" i had 10 minutes before i had to make a decision and it was killing me that i still had nothing and everyone had something. my mind was all in a jumble, so i asked the untimate question: where is the one place i said from the start i wasn't going to? where the one place where i told God i would NOT go. i left and told my leader that i was going to......... indonesia. friday night when the options were given and indonesia came up i actually got angry because i was like "i am NOT going there". as i said that the story of jonah popped into my head (how ironic). i decided that i would stretch myself to the limit, go WAY out of my comfort zone and take a huge leap of faith. thinking back i realized something: when deciding which YWAM to go to (orlando or australia), i chose australia because had i gone to orlando i would have maybe gone to indonesia, and i did not want that.

as our groups got called out and we got together i was so surprised. i have 4 other people in my group, that includes the one leader. the very people who i had admired from afar, whose faith i wish i had, were the very people who were in my group. my leader said that when he was preparing for this trip and was praying, he asked God to give him a small group and he got one. i saw pictures and was told an overview of what we'll be doing and can i just say that it's still sinking in that i'm going. indonesia is one of the most corrupt countries, and listening to everything i was secretly freaking out because i was like "can i really do this?". but sitting back and looking at my group, that's all the reassurance i need. i love these people, and even though i've known them for a short time, i know they will help keep me strong. i'm really going to need prayer. but, i think my mom's going to need more ;)

as you read from my last post, i've been fighting God about many things and, well, i think i've finally lost. these last 2 days in lectures we've had an open mike time, a time where anyone can come up and confess something they're struggling with. yesterday a girl came up and told about how she was in an abusive relationship and how it's made her fear men and how's it's just broken her as a person. everyone was crying by the end of that one. she ended up praying and saying how as much as she wanted him to be hurt, to die, she was going to forgive him and put those thoughts aside and give him to God. this morning we had a guy come up, and wow, was it poweful. he talked about being a drug dealer and the danger he was up against. he's here because his parents told him he could either come here or go to another city and start over. he said he has no relationship with God whatsoever, but for some reason he felt like he had to come here. he doesn't get all this God stuff and has almost left. my heart aches for him and i wish there was something i could do to take his pain away.

i've decided that it's time for me to share my story. ah! i'm going to need all the prayer i can get, but thankfully i'm only speaking to my beach to bush group, not the whole school. wish me luck :)

week 1

wow! it's kind of hard to believe that 2 weeks have almost come and gone. last week was my first real week of schooling and wow was it life changing. we had a speaker come on tuesday night and he stayed the rest of the week for lectures. the first night as so powerful. we talked about worship and getting to know the character of God. my favorite line was probly " america loves jesus, it's his wife they have a problem with" :) anyway, last week was different since God revealed so much to me that it just blew my mind. i have a hard time letting people in and being vulerable, showing my true emotions. although many don't know it i still have a hard time dealing with my accident that i had in january. the first night i was thinking about it and while i was worshiping the speaker asked if he could pray over me. as he prayed he suddenly said that God wanted me to know that iwas never alone and that He was there the whole time. He hurt when i hurt. just the fact that he said that and the fact that the speaker had no idea what i've been struggling with literally brought me to my knees. after the collision i felt this deep sense of hopelessness, like the world was crashing down around me and there wasn't a single thing i could do. never have i felt so alone, and to be told that God was there with me shook me to the core.
the next day we have lectures and the speaker, well, let's just say he's a piece of work :) he as his theories and he definately made alot of people mad. it's like all the things i thought i knew about God was just blown to bits and i was left with nothing. yes, he did make many angry, but he did make us think for ourselves as far as what we thought and believed about God. all the things he said made us search thru the bible and figure out for ourselves if he was rong or not. i secretly wanted to prove him wrong ;)
after one of his rambling lectures he had us take a moment and write down what we thought God was telling us. since i wasn't really getting any kind of vibe from God i just started writing random stuff down. one way or another i kind of started writing things that made me think, i thought the reason came here was because i had nothing better to do at home and because i felt God called me to come here. what i didn't realize was that God had so much more in store for me, and in a way i was angry at Him for it. i didn't sign up for this- for God to go into the deepest darkest corners of my mind and find my fears and struggles. in that time while i was writing God kind of revealed to me that i came here in a sense to fnd answers to some of my issues, and at the same time escape from others. i felt like He was telling me that in order for Himt ohelp me heal i need to let go of them since i'm holdig on to them. then, that night we had this special group time with another speaker and his main point- to let go of the struggles we have. ugh! so frustrating when personal messages get repeated like that. i finally came to the conclusion that in order fr me to start healing i need to tell someone about my struggles. and that someone is my beach to bush group, all of them. ah! i hate showing my emotions and sharing my struggles with alot of people and being vulerable and letting them in is so not what i can consider. yet He wants me to, and that stinks. so right now i'm fighting God on that one.
on riday night our group got together and we were given our outreach destiations: malaysia, indonesia, vanuatu, and the solomon islands. we were asked to pray about where God wants u to go. can i just say that i have no idea where He wants me, and i need to know by wednesday. i;m afraid i won't know by the deadline and i'm freaking out!! can i ask of one thing? could you please keep me in your prayers as i pray and try to figure out where i need to go?
this past week has been full of emotions, revelations, and i've never heard God as much as what i have here. friendships have gotten so much stronger and for that i'm eternally thankful. i know that this battle i'm fighting against God is going to end in me losing. i just hope i'll be ready when it happens.