week 1

wow! it's kind of hard to believe that 2 weeks have almost come and gone. last week was my first real week of schooling and wow was it life changing. we had a speaker come on tuesday night and he stayed the rest of the week for lectures. the first night as so powerful. we talked about worship and getting to know the character of God. my favorite line was probly " america loves jesus, it's his wife they have a problem with" :) anyway, last week was different since God revealed so much to me that it just blew my mind. i have a hard time letting people in and being vulerable, showing my true emotions. although many don't know it i still have a hard time dealing with my accident that i had in january. the first night i was thinking about it and while i was worshiping the speaker asked if he could pray over me. as he prayed he suddenly said that God wanted me to know that iwas never alone and that He was there the whole time. He hurt when i hurt. just the fact that he said that and the fact that the speaker had no idea what i've been struggling with literally brought me to my knees. after the collision i felt this deep sense of hopelessness, like the world was crashing down around me and there wasn't a single thing i could do. never have i felt so alone, and to be told that God was there with me shook me to the core.
the next day we have lectures and the speaker, well, let's just say he's a piece of work :) he as his theories and he definately made alot of people mad. it's like all the things i thought i knew about God was just blown to bits and i was left with nothing. yes, he did make many angry, but he did make us think for ourselves as far as what we thought and believed about God. all the things he said made us search thru the bible and figure out for ourselves if he was rong or not. i secretly wanted to prove him wrong ;)
after one of his rambling lectures he had us take a moment and write down what we thought God was telling us. since i wasn't really getting any kind of vibe from God i just started writing random stuff down. one way or another i kind of started writing things that made me think, i thought the reason came here was because i had nothing better to do at home and because i felt God called me to come here. what i didn't realize was that God had so much more in store for me, and in a way i was angry at Him for it. i didn't sign up for this- for God to go into the deepest darkest corners of my mind and find my fears and struggles. in that time while i was writing God kind of revealed to me that i came here in a sense to fnd answers to some of my issues, and at the same time escape from others. i felt like He was telling me that in order for Himt ohelp me heal i need to let go of them since i'm holdig on to them. then, that night we had this special group time with another speaker and his main point- to let go of the struggles we have. ugh! so frustrating when personal messages get repeated like that. i finally came to the conclusion that in order fr me to start healing i need to tell someone about my struggles. and that someone is my beach to bush group, all of them. ah! i hate showing my emotions and sharing my struggles with alot of people and being vulerable and letting them in is so not what i can consider. yet He wants me to, and that stinks. so right now i'm fighting God on that one.
on riday night our group got together and we were given our outreach destiations: malaysia, indonesia, vanuatu, and the solomon islands. we were asked to pray about where God wants u to go. can i just say that i have no idea where He wants me, and i need to know by wednesday. i;m afraid i won't know by the deadline and i'm freaking out!! can i ask of one thing? could you please keep me in your prayers as i pray and try to figure out where i need to go?
this past week has been full of emotions, revelations, and i've never heard God as much as what i have here. friendships have gotten so much stronger and for that i'm eternally thankful. i know that this battle i'm fighting against God is going to end in me losing. i just hope i'll be ready when it happens.