tainted minds and dances

wow! the week has flown by so fast! feels like i just came back from the road yesterday and now i'm going to be back on the road again today. this week has been so amazing, probably one of the best, if not the best, lecture weeks ever. it's definately one i won't forget. this week our lectures were on making jesus lord or lordship and our speaker was the energetic, crazy guy named mark parker who is from new zealand. he's 53 and yet has the energy of a todler :) his lectures were very good and i don't think i've ever taken so many notes in my life. we went into detail about the tabernacle and what it all represents, back in the bible times and now.

everything was good and fine and then came the last day. thursday mark had told us that on friday we would do like a re-enactment of sorts of the tabernacle. when the people went into the tabernacle they brought 2 kinds of sacrifices. one that was a sacrifice to God, like something that they would give to Him or to others and the other was the sacrifice of sin. mark told us that on friday we needed to come with something to give to God or others and a sin that we need forgiveness for. so as always, i cruised through the day not really thinking anything of it. thursday night i took some time and worshipped God and asked Him what i could possibly offer Him. I felt Him say my voice, which makes sense for i don't like singing in public, even singing worship in front of people scares me.

friday morning rolled around and i woke up early as to have some time to prepare myself for the on coming day. sitting by myself in a room i tried to see if there was anything else i could give God and i came up with my health. it's something i have trouble with so i knew that this was one thing i did need to give to Him. i closed my eyes and sat there thinking if there was anything else, and it was almost as if someone yelled it at me. i heard it so clearly : your life. it was one of those things that shook me to the core. my life?! God wants me to give my life?! atomatically my mind shut Him out and went "no, i'm not giving you my life".

i went on with my morning like nothing was wrong, like i wasn't fighting this major battle within me. my life. was He out of His mind?! if i have a hard enough time trusting Him with my health what makes Him think that i'd give Him my life? i sat there with all the other people waiting for our day of tabernacle to start, so sure that everyone could see the emotions all over my face. finally we were given an intro into class and the main point mark made was " are you open? are you open to God and what He has to say?" ha NO! we came into our classroom which had been made over into a tabernacle with a cross standing in the middle of the room. first we all took time to worship God, which as you can imagine was super hard for me to do. then mark had us all say something that God has done for us. i was so emotional from the battle i was fighting it was hard to say something that i was thankful for that God did. so i pulled myself together (i hate showing emotion, especially tears) and said how i was thankful that i now have a relationship with my brother, one that i could have never had or imagined. of course i broke down right from the start so that made it that much more harder to say. but it's true. i didn't realize how much i'd miss my brother until i actually left and now i'm eternally thankful that i have a relationship with him, one that i know is strong and one that i cherish.

we had a 5 minute break, as to get ready for the next part, and i had people coming up to me encouraging me and one told me that to day is going to be a big day for me, one that i won't forget. we came back and did an exercise that had to do with really getting personal with God. the guys had to link arms and one by one they came out and yelled and screamed and opened up their hearts to Him and then they would run and try to break through the wall of men. some of them moved me to tears for these were my brothers and finally seeing them open up was glorious. one guy from another DTS (we combined with the sports DTS) had gotten saved for the first time last week, and if you knew him you'd know what a break through this was. he's like the ultimate bad boy of the school ;) anyway, i watched him struggle to open up and to let God in, and that was wonderful. next, mark had the guys lay down on their stomachs all in a row and had the girls walk on them all the while praising God as they walked across. mark said he did this because alot of times in our society the women are the one who are the stronger ones in the family and how the men need to rise and learn how to man up and be there for the women. this was hard for me because one- i was wearing a dress and two- i am very self contious so this was really pushing it for me.

we worshipped some more and then mark asked us if there were some of us who have a hard time praising God in difficult times and how it's a struggle for us. i raised my hand and so did 3 others. then came the most ackward and nerve-wrecking part of the day. mark said that 2 people, preferably guys, need to go up and lift these people onto their shoulders as to lift them up to God and learn how to praise Him. i didn't really realize what was going on until i saw 2 guys walking towards me and that's when it all clicked. i went into a full panic!!! i hate being picked up and i was wearing a dress! needless to say, i had big difficulties with my dress (so sorry for those guys and everyone else) and one guy was shorter than the other so i was on one guy's shoulder for almost the whole time. i was gripping the guy's shoulder and another guy's hand so hard, and mark was like "lift your hands and praise Him" and i was like NO NO NO! let's just say i hopped off those guys asap and went and changed clothes :)

after lunch it was time to give up the sacrifices. by now i knew what i had to do and i knew that it wasn't going to be easy. some people came and gave their passports to God, telling Him that they'll go where ever He sends them. one gave up her return ticket. some gave away ipods or money to others for they saw it as an idol and God told them to give it up. so i went up and did what i had to do. i said that i would give God my voice, my health, and my life. my voice to sing, my health to trust Him, and my life to do whatever He wanted. i then remembered a dream that i'd had a few weeks ago: i was with my YWAM group and for whatever reason i was being put to death. the whole way over i was asking, begging my friends to not let me die, to take this away from me. then by the end of my dream i was so at peace i willingly gave my life. i feel like this was God telling me of what was to come, that He wanted me to give my life and that i won't want to do it but when i do i'll be at peace.

mark asked me why i gave my voice and i told him that fear of man holds me back. i sing when i'm by myself or in the car and God wants me to sing in front of others. he then asked why my health and when i explained he asked me if i had any health problems now. when i said yes he asked me what they were. so in front of the whole class i (infortunately) broke down and told them of my fear of going through what i did last year and how i shut down, last year and this year again. mark then paused and had me do something. i went and stood in front of the cross (facing it not the people) and he wanted me to sing, out loud, to God. while i would be doing that others would come up and annoint me with oil and pray for healing over me. i was very uncomfortable but i went and stood in front of the cross, and although i was still sick with a cold, i started to sing. as i sang loads of people came and laid hands on me and annointed me and prayed healing over me. i just broke down. i can't describe the feeling or write the words, but it was.... moving. everyone praying at once, all gathered close around me, praying that this sickness would leave my body and how it has no place in me. it's a moment i won't EVER forget.

afterwards we had the sin sacrifices. the things that came up were so sad and heartwrenching. people who had been molested, drug addicts, alcoholics, people with other sexual addictions, those who had been cruel to past lovers, pride that they had, jealously, envy, worthlessness.. the list goes on and on. i came up and said how i compare God to man and how i see Him as unreliable. i feel worthless in His sight and in the sight of others and how sorry i was that i think that way.

by now i was getting cold and i couldn't really cross my arms for they were covered in oil :) so i changed and came back and we had a time where we went and prayed for others and listened to what God had for them. it was something that was new to me but i waited and went and prayed for others and told them what i felt like God was telling me about them. it was weird since some things were just out there, but then i would be surprised in that it would shock the other person for someone else had told them that too. the sports leader came up to me and told me that we had seen me in the courtyard waiting for the class to start. he didn't know who i was but said that the Holy Spirit had shown him that i would have a breakthrough today. this was when i was fighting with God about giving him my life. he asked me if i was open to what God had for me, and i told him honestly i think so. it's going to take some time, but i'm going to try. it was very moving.

next mark had the people who needed prayer for healing to come and stand in the middle of the class and then people would come over and annoint them and pray for healing. again i was moved and the strength and love i felt not just from the people but from God was immense. someone felt like there was something else behind my fear, that it wasn't the sickness but something else. they said my mind was being held down, tainted by something, and they prayed for freedom. after i was about to walk away to wash my oily hands when mark stopped me and told everyone that if they had a fear of man that he wanted them to do something crazy about it. all of a sudden mark put on a song, came over to me, and said "as your Father would you dance with me". i just lost it. he danced with me and told ,e that because i was an heir of christ i was important and that as a first born i held importance. he told me he saw me in a white gown dancing with God, which is a vision my leader had told me a few weeks before. needless to say i was quite emotional by the end of the night.

after 16 hours of worship i finally felt a closeness to God and i felt freedom. i felt healed, not just in my body but in my mind. a girl in sports had had a fever for a year and a half and woke up yesterday with a normal body temp for the first time in a long time.

how great is our God