filling the void

this trip is different than the other trips that i've been on in that i came kind of not expecting anything, but at the same time expecting to do ministry and helping people. the first week here that's exactly what i did. after the team left i was told that we were going to take a few days to recover from all the preparation and work that was done in the last 2 weeks and i completely understood that and tried to go with it. my australian and indonesian trip were packed full with ministry and outreaches and so many things that having a moment of down time seemed next to impossible. and not that that's a bad thing; it was just what i was called to do at that time. this trip has definately passed my expectations in that i came here thinking "God, what can i do for You, what can i do to help the people" and after the team left it was as if God was like "ok stephanie, it's time for me and you to have one-on-one time".

it's a scary thought for me when God wants one-on-one time, in a time when i have nothing scheduled for days. not hours, days. what can i possibly talk to God about for days? it's kind of an intimate time if you know what i mean, and when it comes to personal things.. it's not something i'm comfortable talking or thinking about, and yet that's what God wants to do. i did write about one of the big me-and-God moments, but the internet shut off and therefore it didn't save. i promise to write about it again, but i've come to see that this trip has become less about me helping people and more about God taking me far out and away in order to talk to me and share things with me.

i brought a book along called the heavenly man and it's about a chinese christian and his persecution for Christ. last night as i was reading he was talking about how God had shown him that he was finding rest in the ministry of Christ and not in Christ himself and it was as if God was going "pay attention". i found that i'm finding rest in the work i do for Christ, helping and serving people, instead of finding rest in Him. i shouldn't be content in just doing His work but rather i should strive and push to be more, to learn more from the greatest Teacher. i fill my life with works for Him and instead i need to fill my life with Him, just Him. time that i get to talk to my Father. i want to be ever hungry and thirsty for Him and never be satisfied. in this time that i've had so far God has shown me so much and yet when i try to put it into words it doesn't seem enough. i find myself getting teary-eyed when i have worship time and when looking out the window at the splendor and beauty of these mountains that surround me. i came hoping to marvel at something and it seems like i've marveled at almost everything, being constantly reminded of the God that made all this made me. i really have been truly blessed to have this time with my Father..