patience is a virtue

if i could put all my frustration and feelings into words i would. i am to the point where i want to pull out all my hair and scream and cry.
no. i just want to cry.
cry because i'm tired of sitting and waiting. waiting on God to tell me what to do next. i've been home for almost 4 weeks and i still have no idea what He wants me to do. i have this list of things i would love to do. but i'm so afraid of making a move and it be the wrong one. that i go and make plans and then at the very last possible minute He goes "oh, by the way, here's where i want you to go next". waiting on God can be so hard. then again, if it wasn't then the Bible would be completely different. no wandering the desert for 40 years.
i feel like a disappointment sometimes when others ask what i'm doing next and i don't have an answer. so many know exactly what i should do and wonder why i'm not doing it. school, work, travel, school.. i'm expected to do and yet it seems like the only one who hasn't told me what to do is Him. i have dreams, i have goals and things i would love to do. yet is what i'm to do next on the list? i made the mistake once in compromising what He wanted me to do because i was so focused on pleasing those around me and doing what they expected and wanted me to do that i had a harder journey than what i expected. if that makes sense. i know that He was there with me and working through me the whole time during that period, and He was pleased with whatever i chose. but still, i could have saved myself alot of trouble had i listened to Him.
i love school and i love learning. as much of a hassle as school can be i can honestly say that i do enjoy it. i do what to get a degree, and i hope that it will open so many more doors for me and foreign missions. but am i to go now? i'm the kind of person who if i start something i have to finish it. i feel like if i started school i would want to put my all into it and maybe squeeze in a mission trip or two in between the breaks. but that's me hoping and dreaming ;)
but in the middle of all this is the big road block and red flag that stops me from pushing through: how in the world will i finance this? it's a touchy subject and trust me, just the mention of it makes me cringe. i would love to get a job, but it would almost ultimately mean that i would have to put a hold on my foreign missions. is that what i'm to do next? i have been immensely blessed to have gone to 4 countries on 3 continents within the last 2 years. i can't even express how thankful i am to those to helped me get there and how thankful i am that He sent me there. i've learned more and seen more than any text book or teacher can show and teach me. i'm only 20 and yet it hit me today that i graduated from high school 2 years ago and just the adventure i've had since then. i don't know if i would recognize myself from my high school years to now. but the biggest blessing out of the whole thing is that i have come to have a deeper understanding of who God is and what He means to me. and that is worth more to me than anything i have ever experienced.

so the big question: what now? in a way i feel like i've listened to God this far that in a way maybe He's waiting for me to make the next move. and if so, i have NO idea what i would want to do next. if you could please just keep me in your prayers that i figure out what to do next and that i hear His voice. that i will keep my patience and have endurance as i wait it out. that i will trust that He has all things under control.