jonah

so week 2 is far under way, and what a week it's been so far. from the beginning it was intense since i had to know by wednesday where God was calling me as far as outreach goes. for 5 days i prayed and prayed and asked God where He wanted me. my choices where malaysia, indonesia, solomon islands, and vanuatu. we were all told from the start that we are not allowed to discuss where we were considering going just so we wouldn't be persuaded to go to a destination because that's where a friend is going. UGH!!!!!!!!! it was extremely frustrating talking to God and trying to figure out what He wanted. the night before i had to make my decision i slept next to none because i was tossing and turning trying to figure out where i had to go. i had already decided that it was either going to be malaysia or indonesia.

wednesday morning rolled around and i still hadn't gotten anything. i finally just went into a room by myself and was crying and was like "God, where the heck do you want me?????????" i had 10 minutes before i had to make a decision and it was killing me that i still had nothing and everyone had something. my mind was all in a jumble, so i asked the untimate question: where is the one place i said from the start i wasn't going to? where the one place where i told God i would NOT go. i left and told my leader that i was going to......... indonesia. friday night when the options were given and indonesia came up i actually got angry because i was like "i am NOT going there". as i said that the story of jonah popped into my head (how ironic). i decided that i would stretch myself to the limit, go WAY out of my comfort zone and take a huge leap of faith. thinking back i realized something: when deciding which YWAM to go to (orlando or australia), i chose australia because had i gone to orlando i would have maybe gone to indonesia, and i did not want that.

as our groups got called out and we got together i was so surprised. i have 4 other people in my group, that includes the one leader. the very people who i had admired from afar, whose faith i wish i had, were the very people who were in my group. my leader said that when he was preparing for this trip and was praying, he asked God to give him a small group and he got one. i saw pictures and was told an overview of what we'll be doing and can i just say that it's still sinking in that i'm going. indonesia is one of the most corrupt countries, and listening to everything i was secretly freaking out because i was like "can i really do this?". but sitting back and looking at my group, that's all the reassurance i need. i love these people, and even though i've known them for a short time, i know they will help keep me strong. i'm really going to need prayer. but, i think my mom's going to need more ;)

as you read from my last post, i've been fighting God about many things and, well, i think i've finally lost. these last 2 days in lectures we've had an open mike time, a time where anyone can come up and confess something they're struggling with. yesterday a girl came up and told about how she was in an abusive relationship and how it's made her fear men and how's it's just broken her as a person. everyone was crying by the end of that one. she ended up praying and saying how as much as she wanted him to be hurt, to die, she was going to forgive him and put those thoughts aside and give him to God. this morning we had a guy come up, and wow, was it poweful. he talked about being a drug dealer and the danger he was up against. he's here because his parents told him he could either come here or go to another city and start over. he said he has no relationship with God whatsoever, but for some reason he felt like he had to come here. he doesn't get all this God stuff and has almost left. my heart aches for him and i wish there was something i could do to take his pain away.

i've decided that it's time for me to share my story. ah! i'm going to need all the prayer i can get, but thankfully i'm only speaking to my beach to bush group, not the whole school. wish me luck :)